$15,000,000 spent on staring. (By Ozzyfrog)

It was a clear, smooth Sunday morning and I was at a flying lesson, holding short of Runway 17R for takeoff. We got our clearance, lined up and applied full power. At takeoff speed, I lifted the nose gracefully (well, I like to think so anyway) into the air and the Cessna began climbing. All was perfect, until I banked at 500 feet. With a loud “wumph” my door spontaneously decided to unlock itself and open. Being in a car doing 60kph with a door open would be interesting, but being 700 feet in the air, and halfway through a turn with nothing keeping you in the plane but your harness is even more interesting. As I went to shut it, I caught a glimpse of the Melbourne Ferris wheel, and even in a situation like that, I marvelled at how silly it was.

I have written about it before, on Ozzyfrog’s Rants, but times have changed. When I wrote about it, the views and the prices were just as bad, but now it’s worse. For now, our beloved Ferris Wheel is broken. I see. And this is no ordinary breakdown, it will in fact be out of action for 6 months. Apparently, it cracked due to the 40C+ heat we experienced. Last time I checked, Ocean Liners do not fall to pieces when it gets a little sticky. Buildings do not collapse if it gets a bit nippy. And, dare I say, most other Ferris Wheels do not crack when it gets a bit hot. And where did the engineers think they were building it? In Norway? Of course it’s going to get hot, we’re in Australia. So, in the Global Economic Crisis, we have built an expensive Ferris Wheel in the yuckiest part of Melbourne, which is now broken. No wonder our economy is going a bit downhill.

But, I have an idea to save our money. Firstly, of course, don’t build stupid things that we don’t need and then break. That’s the obvious part. But for my second point, I will dive deep into a mystery that I have pondered over for many minutes. And it is this; why are roads and intersections so expensive? Whenever you drive past an intersection that will be repaired the council puts a sign up, telling you how much it will cost. And then you try not to choke on your chewing gum when you read the price. $15,000,000! How can a bit of asphalt with some white lines on it cost squillions of dollars? And I’m not talking about the Champs Elysees, this is an ordinary intersection. Quite how they spend so much on asphalt still mystifies me. And they still haven’t done anything on the South Eastern Freeway. It’s still at 80 kph, and I have seen no improvements or changes made at all (except the closure of a lane). I understand that they need to repair it, and that takes time. But how they expect to repair it by hiring a couple of men in hard hats to stare at it is beyond me. Every single time I go on it, the men are either not there or staring at the road, using there mind powers to get the road to fix itself.

Another example is a roundabout on Belmore road. It was perfectly functional, but then the men with their mind powers spent months painting white lines everywhere, and left it in exactly the same state that it was when they first arrived. What they did was turn up, do some staring, remove the old lines, paint new ones 3mm to the left of the previous ones, and made the surface all patchy. Every morning  I go round it I try to spot something that has been changed, but I still haven’t seen anything. So here’s a hint to the government and the councils; next time you build a road, just put some inexpensive asphalt on it and don’t spend the equivalent of a Learjet on it. And make sure that it actually needs fixing. And last but not least, tell the workers that staring rarely gets the job done.

Come on Brumby, on your bike. (By Ozzyfrog)

Premier Brumby has today announced part of the new transport plan in Melbourne. Good stuff, was the initial response I had, but it appears that this response could not have been more wrong. Brumby has decided to have a push for motorbikes and scooters, and urging drivers to leave their cars at home. Oh, ok Brumby, I’ll just forget about my nice $30,000 Peugeot in the garage, and I’ll go buy a new motorcycle for a few thousand dollars. And get a motorcycle license. And all the gear you need to ride motorbikes, like helmets. And extra insurance. But it doesn’t matter anyway, because in a few weeks I’ll be in hospital with a broken spine, or dead. No, no, it really doesn’t matter that motorbikes are just about the most dangerous means of transport there are, and that they cost a huge amount for what is basically a road bike with a noisy engine. It’ll be fine.

Also, is there a more useless way of getting what you want other than ‘urging’ the public to do something? Last time I checked, we do not do something because some twat ‘urges’ us to. It doesn’t work. But back to the point. Brumby has said that the government will try to make the roads safer for motorbikes and scooters, and the important word of this sentence is ‘try’. What on earth can they do to make the roads safer for bikes? Motorbikes don’t use bike lanes, for obvious reasons, so extending those will do nothing. Maybe we will end up with humongous yellow signs everywhere warning us to look for bikes. They’ve already started that on television. Don’t think that the timing of those recent ads to “look again for bikes” is a coincidence. Of course, there will be so many signs that they will simply obscure the view of oncoming bikes, and so they will be mown down like pigeons (and no, I don’t know why pigeons are mown down, it just sounds cool).

And we should remember that we currently have a shortage of nurses and doctors, and hospital waiting lists are enormous. So sending halve the population to serious injury is not really going to help. Of course, as Brumby points out, the alternative is public transport, and he is correct. Unfortunately, we don’t have public transport. We have a few bus routes that are always late, trains that don’t turn up and trams that can’t stop because of their pathetic brakes. Imagine going to work on a tram surrounded by people on motorbikes. The windscreen will be so full of pieces of bike and people that the tram has run over that the driver won’t be able to see, and so trams are out of the equation. And buses, for that matter. Trains will be safe, but they’re overcrowded as it is so that won’ t do.

In my book, if adding a seat belt to something makes it more dangerous, then that thing is not worth travelling in. Normal bikes are the exception, as they are fun and don’t go fast enough to cause serious injury. But motorbikes? Uh uh, no way Brumby. Keen bike enthusiasts of course will be jumping for joy, and will all go out for a ride and be killed, because of humongous yellow signs and extended bike lanes. So what are waiting for Brumby, go on, on your bike.

“Brisingr.” Politics, Gore and Politics (By Caiphas)

As well as doing movie reviews, I have started to do book reviews. Obviously they will get better as I learn more.

After three weeks of reading, I have finally finished Brisingr. For those not in the know, Brisingr is the third instalment in the Inheritance Trilogy (Now the Inheritance Cycle) which is essentially the “Twilight series” for guys, not story wise, but success wise. Unfortunately, for the unwise, this book tries to be too wise most of the time and looses the true flair it had when “Eragon” first hit the shelves.

The story begins with a synopsis of the previous two books, which should be the make or break point for any reader that has no patience. The synopsis actually makes it possible to start with “Brisingr” without reading the other books, but then you loose the true power of the story, which is what makes the third book interesting.

When I say interesting, I don’t mean interesting to people who aren’t into that sort of stuff. The series relies on a LOTR style backdrop, with magic, dragons, a lost race of super heroes, a mad evil king, elves, dwarves, mountains, swords and politics. Yes, there is a hell of a lot of politics in this book. These encounters with the structure of all the races leaves very little time for exploring the world or for any real action.

All the action in the book is gory. That is the book’s greatest flaw. Its action relies on the readers ability to visualise decapitation, evisceration, mutilation and all three at the same time. But even this action is sparse. With in 750 pages, not a lot of action is put down. Most of the time is spent on the politics. In fact, the book follows a pattern. The pattern goes:

politicspoliticspoliticspoliticspoliticspoliticspoliticspoliticspoliticspoliticspoli

ticspoliticsGOREpoliticspoliticspoliticspoliticspoliticspoliticspoliticspoliticsGORE

politicspoliticspoliticspoliticsTRUTHGOREDEATHEND.

But for those that have read the other books, the last few chapters really have a profound effect on the reader. Pity there are so many chapters.

Rating: 3.5/5. long but rewarding. plus Chris has a way with his stories that you never really can stop reading, no matter how soporific.

Despite all I have said about how bad the book is, I still enjoyed it. Just not as much as I had hoped I would.

Who killed DNA evidence? (By Caiphas)

History is about to take a step bake into the dark ages. I already have my irons ready to test for thievery and I have my dunking chair greased for all the witches that we will need to trial.  My bible and Holy water are locked and loaded and ready to do the law in the old fashion style.

The government of Australia has stated that DNA evidence may no longer be an acceptable form of evidence in a court case. They claim it is too easily tampered with and all trials should be re held for all those convicted on the basis of DNA.

This is utter IDIOCY. First of all, if this bill goes ahead, 70,000 Criminals, not just petty thievery but also mass murderers, will be pardoned on the grounds that someone may have touched the people left their after they had killed them. Smart idea. also, because of the double jeopardy law, these people will never be called back into court for that case. I agree that some of these people are innocent, but 70,000 people being convicted incorrectly, it defies all common sense.

Another point I will stress is that the only reason that these pieces of evidence are being ignored is that they were assessed in otherwise unsuitable conditions. The science division that looks after all of that is under payed, overworked and heavily criticized when they get anything wrong. All of the money going into that IDIOTIC system “MyKi” (Yes, we still think it is rubbish) could go back to making sure that people that kill don’t get to use the trams to go home after the ineffectual court case.

This is another clear example of a law system ignoring facts and trying to be fair to all people. Let us not forget the obviousness of human nature. Humans Lie.

I will explore this Phenomenon in my next blog.

Where’s our Water, Mr Dudd? (By Ozzyfrog)

We like to think of our world as a logical place, full of mathematical explanations and scientists telling us how everything works. But in reality, the world contains so many mysteries. For instance, what is the car on Peter Gabriel’s first album? Why are Trams so slow? Why do multi-story car parks always smell of urine? Why can’t English teachers spell? Why is it that whenever three men get into a van the throttle jams open and the brakes fail? Why is Gordon Brown so grumpy? Why is the George Bush the President of the USA when he can hardly spell? Why does anyone fly on Indonesian Airlines when they know their maintenance engineers don’t know what an engine is? Do garbage men get bonuses if they knock off door mirrors? Why is Russia so big? Why are all telemarketers Indian?

Don’t bother trying to answer any of these, they have no answer. However, I have saved the biggest question of all to last. Why is Bounty still alive? In case you don’t know, Bounty’s are those chocolate coconut bars. I have never seen a single person ever by a bounty. Never. You hardly see them in supermarkets, and nobody chooses them over Mars Bars or Twix. In fact, the only time I’ve ever seen anyone have on is when they bought one by mistake. So how is it that they’re still around?

I’m afraid this question has no answer. It’s just another mystery in this confusing world. However, Australia is a relatively sane place, when compared to the rest of the world, and especially in America. For instance, why does anyone listen to George Bush? He simply got into presidency by cheating, and yet Americans continue to vote for him. Also, Americans are very clever people; they put the man on the moon and made the fastest plane on earth, and yet they cannot make a single good car. Why? Speaking about planes, President Sarkozy (leader of France) is thinking of buying himself and Airbus, after seeing Air Force 1 (George Bush’s plane). Wonder what he will call it. Maybe the “Sarkozy 1”, or the “BetterthanAirForce1 1”, or perhaps the “PutThisInYourPipeAndSmokeItMrBush 1”. Whatever he calls it, it should make America’s plane look dated.

Anyway, time to get to the point. Water. As you will know, we are in a drought and our water levels are low. We have 30% of our water capacity full, which is very low especially when summers on its way. And yet, the government is doing nothing. They are sitting around, concentrating on running the country badly, and just hoping the water levels will magically increase. Yes, I know they’ve given us water restrictions, so we are not allowed to wash our cars or water our gardens. Somehow, though, I don’t believe this will be enough to fix the problem. Why can’t they build a desalination plant? And i’m not talking about a piddly little thing that converts 2 litres an hour, we need something that can supply whole cities. Yes, they say it will take many years to build, but so did the Eastlink, and the Eureka Tower, and this stupid new tunnel that will cross half of Melbourne that they’ve proposed. Do they think it will be quicker to build it in the next few years? Whatever the reason, the Government is not doing anything, but this will have to change eventually. How low do you think the water levels will get to before they actually build something that gives us water? 20%? 10%? 2%? 0.000000006%? Place your bets everyone.

Eastlink; the Government’s secret plan. (By Ozzyfrog)

(Yes, I know I said that I would write about Myki, but just be patient. I will write about it soon, I promise).

In late June, everything seemed tickety-boo for the Government, with the Eastlink being completed early and under budget. They were very proud of their lovely new creation, with its long smooth black tarmac and its shiny new tunnels. So they did something I never saw coming; they gave it an open day. “Silly geese”, I remember thinking. “Nobody’s going to spend their Sunday walking down a road just because the Government said that it was a work of genius.” And yet, for only the third time in five years, I was wrong. Hundreds, thousands flocked from their comfortable homes to walk on a freeway. I was flabbergasted, and it got me thinking, is there really nothing better to do in Melbourne? Go on, have a biro-sucking moment. Are we so starved of entertainment that we gladly walk down freeways on our Sundays?

Hang on, we do have things to do in Melbourne. We have the Aquarium, the Eureka Tower, the Botanical Gardens and many more things. And anyway, if people find walking down a road interesting they should be obsessed with the colourful fish in the Aquarium. I was beginning to feel like the only sane person in Melbourne, until the Eastlink opened. Ah, sweet relief. The freeway was jammed because of the amount of traffic, and there were a huge amount of car accidents. Never mind, the motorists still could enjoy the fact that it was free for the first month, and they had a mutated bird and an empty hotel to look at. Things seemed to be back to normal, especially when the government spent a million dollars on an ad about Melbourne’s roads and public transport system when they hadn’t actually done anything. But still, why had all those people walked on the freeway?

After much thought in the shower, I think I have found the answer. These poor souls must have been tricked by the government into thinking that this new piece of tarmac was actually exciting. Poor things, they had to sacrifice their Sunday for the government. The rest of the people seemed to realise what had happened, so they set things right by jamming it up and crashing into the shiny new barriers. Well done all involved, you saved many people’s dinginty. This was a good test of our ability to react to an unofficial emergency, and we preformed extremely well. We can all sleep soundly in our beds tonight, knowing that we have taken on the Government and have come out on top.